HOW TO GET THROUGH A BREAKUP

Hello Rafikis,

How are you all doing? I hope you are keeping well. It is so important to take time off to take care of your mental. Many are the times we take advantage of our mental health not realizing that mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s alright not to be okay! It’s alright to be selfish when it comes to guarding your self. Take time off to ensure you are okay.

I am so happy because I’ve gotten to spend the past few days with my family. I finally got hugs from my mum 🙈. It’s GOOD to be home!

I am currently in Kenya! Woop woop and I’m so excited to make new memories over the next few weeks I’ll be around. I’d love to collaborate with any creative who is interested with working with me. Kindly comment below any creatives you think I should link up with and also what type of content you would be interested in.

Today I’m going to get personal with you, no I am not going to share with you who broke my heart or how they broke it. Instead I will share with you the ways in which I managed to get through the break up. Let’s face it, not every one gets it right on their first relationship. I wish I did, but things do not always go as planned. Chances are high you will get your hear broken once in your life. It sucks but such is life.

The truth is that break ups are not the easiest thing to deal with. I mean who gets into a relationship with someone else prepared for it to end? (okay maybe some people do but i’m referring to serious people here).

Many people choose to block,trash talk or burn their ex’s things. Others opt to replace their ex’s by rebounding. The issue the above mentioned things is that they are based on other people. I believe the best thing to do is to work on your self, focus on yourself instead of trying to hurt the other person.

Below I’ve listed several ways in which young people can heal from heart break.

 React 

Get angry! Be sad! Comfort eat or go out with friends! Allow yourself to react to the situation. Allow yourself to mourn your loss. Take your time, Be it an hour or a week , allow yourself to cry. If it is your portion, tell the other person how much they’ve hurt you. Shout at them but resist the urge to block them (it’s petty). Allow yourself to weep.

 Pick yourself up 

Mourn as much as you please , but remember that night will end and day will come. When day arrives you must pick yourself up! You cannot mourn forever, life must go on. You must remember you were lit before them and that you will continue to be so after them. No one is worth being down for! Get a grip of those emotions, get up and do what needs to get done!

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Acceptance 

Accept that you have been hurt, accept that the future between you and them has been terminated. Your dreams of being together with person have been shattered. You must accept your new single status. Do not rush yourself! Be it changing your relationship status, returning  their things or deleting their pictures. There is no correct way to accept things. Do not feel rushed to announce it to spectators.Handle things in a way you dim fit for yourself.

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Healing

Do not allow one or two or three bad experiences to break your spirit. Do not let your heart turn cold because of a break up. I know it’s so easy to say that because of the hurt you will not let anyone back into your heart. However take time off to heal. Healing for me came from Finding Grace and deepening my relationship with God. Yoga and medoration were also very helpful. Find what makes your heart whole and use it to help you heal.

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Forgiveness

Forgive yourself. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself . It’s easy to say things like “Maybe if I did this or that he would have stayed” Chances are high that there is nothing you could do to keep him. However if you actually did something wrong, accept your role and forgive yourself.

 If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing you do can make him stay.

You should also forgive the other person. Whether they cheated on you, treated you like crap or simply wasted your time, just forgive them. Even if they are not sorry for their actions just forgive them. Forgiving them is for you not for them! By forgiving them you set yourself free from the hurt.

Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies- Nelson Mandela

 

Snap back

Spoil yourself! Cut your hair ! Do your nails, Change up your wardrobe and get that revenge body. Not because you want the other person to realise that you are the best thing they ever had but because you feel good when you look good. Post break up is the best best season to remind your self that you are that b****.  Be your own hype woman!

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A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life- Coco Chanel

 

Stay busy 

Keep busy! Whether it’s focusing on your academic work, or on a hobby. Keep yourself busy, that way you have less time to feel sorry for yourself. Stay distracted doing this that you love and things that will add value to your future.

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Chase Dreams 

Go back to the drawing board and look at your ambitions. Look at the previous goals you set for yourself and evaluate your progress. Set challenging goals. Be it starting a business, reviving a blog or scoring that job. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone! Try out  new things be it sky diving, zip lining or a salsa class.

Overcoming other challenges in your life reaffirms your ability to overcome the heart break

Take time off 

Do not rush into another relationship. It’s important to learn to be by yourself. Learn to love your own company. Masterdate,  take yourself to the beach, to the cinema and for ice cream dates. Meditate on your future goals. Work on falling deeper in love with your self love. Re-affirm your worth. Do not settle for less or rebound. Love yours! Being single is actually not a bad thing, cherish the moments you have alone.

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Invest in platonic relationships 

Spend more time with friends and family. Be there for them , find out what is going in their lives and support them. Take a girls trip with them! Learn to value platonic relationships as much as you value romantic relationships.

 

Give love a second chance 

Above all else, Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it – Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart but do not let a bad experiences put you off love. Be open to new experiences and to making new memories. Not all men are trash, maybe the majority of them are but they are good guys out there. Maybe you just need to revaluate the kind of guys you give a chance but do not rule all guys out. Stop allowing “Jaymos or Cheers Baba” guys to break your heart. Set high standards and keep them.

And most importantly, do not be envious of those in relationships. Instead wish them well and wait on your own blessings!

If you are experiencing heart break remember you are not the first or the last one to do so, time heals all wounds.

DisclaimerI am not a relationship expert, I am just a girl sharing advise based on personal experience. This guide is not set in stone and may not be effective for all.

Please do comment below what you think of my tips and share your own experiences too.

Till next time Rafikis.

Location- The Hub Karen
Hair- Lemonade braids 🍋- Stall 100
Dress- Sister’s ward robe
Nails-  Rose Gold Gel Nails 💅🏾by Kent Nails
Jewellery – Rose Gold Rings 💍 from Accesorize
Purse- Rose Gold Purse from Clarks

 

 

10 ways to spot a Freshie

Hello Rafikis!

Thank you for all the love! I am so grateful for all the support you have been showing me lately.  You lot are actually the best squad! Rafiki Squad! I need you help me grow the squad. Please share my posts with your friends and family so that we can grow our squad. Thanks ❤️

As September marks 2 years of my stay in the U.K., I have decided to dedicate a post to all the freshies like my self. I will be pointing out 10 differences between freshies and an African British students.

Fresh of the Boat

NOUN

1.Newly immigrated, especially without having yet assimilated the host country’s language, culture, and/or behavior. 

Also known as Freshies

 
1.Accent

It is common for freshies to carry hints of the continent in their accents, I find this particularly common in students from the West and South of Africa. However, we still occasionally get the “you speak such good English” because they are still ignorant people who seem to be so out of touch with history. On the other hand they are African uncles who go abroad for two weeks and acquire accents.  Take home is Love Yours!

2. Use of Africa
An British Born African may be excused for saying they  travelled to “Africa” for the holidays  as they may have lost connections to their country whereas a freshie should know better and name the country!

3. Native Language
Many Kenyan freshies do not speak their native language as they may perceive it as uncool whereas some Kenyans in the U.K. may be found speaking their native language fluently. This is because their parents wish to pass on their culture to their kids through language.
4. Socialization

British Born Africans usually stick together and are likely to be found running societies like the African Caribbean Society. They are more accustomed to the West African culture whereas freshies are stick together in societies such as the East African Society. 

5. Hair styles

8 out of 10 times if you spot a girl rocking a Brazilian wig and a fully beat face of make up she is likely to be African British. Whereas freshies are more likely to rocking neat braids they installed whilst visiting home.

6. Home Towns

Africans generally seem to love big towns.  Britian Born Africans are likely to live in areas like London, Birmingham and Nottingham whereas freshies often live in Leki, Nairobi or Kampala.

7. Casual Work
Freshies rarely work casual jobs because of the hefty pocket money they receive from their parents. In fact you are likely to find a freshie’s parents asking things like ” Did I send you abroad to study or work”? 

Whereas the local Africans are more likely to work as they are more accustomed to the Western culture. Freshies job is to pop champagne bottles in the club using their parents money.

8. Courses
Freshies are more likely to be studying courses like law, actuarial or computer science. This is because a traditional African parent would not send their child abroad to study art or music. They will worry where their child will get a job. Whereas local can study their chosen course because they receive a student loan. However this is not always the case, in fact I will get a fellow freshie studying art to share her experience on here soon.

9. Music and Culture

Black British kids have created their own genre of music called grime. Freshies are more likely to be jamming to afro beats at social gatherings (pre drinks) whereas oldies are more likely to be jamming to grime. This is not definitive though.

10. Religion

Oddly enough I have come to find that Black British students are often more in the faith than international students. Although generally Africans and Carribeans tend to be those that still heavily believe in Christianity.
Disclaimer – the above tips are not facts and do not represent the experiences of all Africans. I don’t purport to be the African ambassador , I am just a Kenyan freshie sharing my versions of events.
Kind Regards,

Kylie Achieng. 

7 things that break down friendships

Hello Rafikis!
“You alright”, before I understood it was a form of greeting, I thought it was the most passive aggressive thing ever. I felt like someone assuming that I was alright was uncaring. I felt that conversation needed to have more depth, I’d much rather prefer hey or hey how are you? because you alright gives the false impression that one cares but they really don’t.

I have however now come to learn that it’s just a normal greeting in England, you know things are different everywhere and we often just have to adjust.

Thanks for talking to me. I love that we can bond, I love that I can connect with strangers, friends and family over something I am so passionate about. I seem to be quite in touch with my emotions today, watching Being Mary Jane has me feeling some kind of way. It is actually the only TV show that I really connect to.
I have had a lot of time to myself  over the past few months, I have been on my own not just single but away from friends and family.
I was blessed with an amazing opportunity to stay behind over the summer and intern with the head of law school as a research assistant and so here I am in Canterbury whilst everyone else is away.

Do not get me wrong I love being alone, there’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely.  I am not lonely lest anyone makes any such assumption. I actually enjoy my own company in fact too much sometimes. Master-dating and solitude are pure joy to me.

Master-dating- the act of taking yourself on dates on your own.

I have been really busy, I have been working a full time job and research assistant internship almost 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. Although I still have time for reflection.

You know those two or so hours when you just lay on your bed and reflect, my single people can understand.  People in relationships who cannot relate that is the time you usually spend with  your loved one on the phone talking about your days.
Seeing as I am currently not romantically involved with anyone, I have more time to think of the other platonic relationships in my life. Particularly, I think of my friendships.

How many friends do I have? Like 3.

Do I have an army? I am unsure.

Do I have confidants? Like 3.

Did I cut off all the friendships that mattered to me? It seems like it.

Have I been a good friend? Probably not.

See I realized that I only had many “friends” because we were together at the same place at the same time. I have dropped friends like flies since joining university abroad. You see what they don’t warn you about growing up is that people change .

People come into your life for a reason, season or a  life time- Unknown

For my 21st birthday I’d like to treat myself to a girls trip but I don’t have any girls to go with and it’s sad! Below are things that I think that generally strain friendships.

1.Life happens.

Growing up I had two bestfriends and together we were inseparable.  In a heart beat I would tell you that either one of them would be my best maid at my wedding. Then  life happened, we grew up and ended up in three different continents.  I still have a lot of love for them but I haven’t seen any of them in more than half a year. If you asked me about what’s really going on in their lives I wouldn’t have a clue. No hard feelings, life just happened!

2. Romantic relationships challenge friendships.

We all know those boys and girls that cut off their friends as soon as they get new partners. It’s like new bae, new life! I totally understand that there a friendships that can be toxic for your relationships but at the same time  I do not think it is right to ditch your friends. Remember relationships can come go but some friendships are forever. I know it’s easier said than done, the sauce can be too sweet. I too have been guilty of this.

3. Emotions destroy friendships.

I have lost decent friends to the  friend zone.  It is difficult to build a strong friendship with a person of the opposite sex (if that is your cup of tea) because feelings are likely to be caught.  Once you begin to be attracted to your friend, it’s a trap. I really wish I had a guy best friend but that doesn’t ever seem to really work out for me. Shout out to Lydia Dinga and E for pulling it off! As for me and my experiences feels get caught! I will explore this further in a future blog.

4. Jealousy ruins friendships!

This is particularly common amongst girlfriends, it’s like some women come out of the womb jealous. Your friend starts a business, you can never support! They start a blog, you can never share until you need them to do the same! They get into a relationship and you make it your mission to break them up! We all receive our blessings at different times and  until we realize that there is enough success to go around, so many friendships are going to go down the drain.

5. Communication Breakdown.

Just like romantic relationships I believe communication is important in friendships. I personally have lost friends because I remained silent when I felt the other party was negatively affecting me. Eventually everything blew up and our friendship  broke beyond repair. If someone hurts you tell them! When someone does something good for you , thank them! Use your words!

 

6. Gossip.

Chances are high that if someone can sit down with you and bad mouth someone else, they are badmouthing you to someone else. If a friendship is based purely on negative vibes it will crumble because it lacks a solid foundation. If you find that all you and your ‘friends’ do is gossip you should check your life. I was guilty of this in high school but now I have learned. I would rather spend time discussing future plans and how we can support each other than gossiping about the next person.

7.Big Mouths.

They are people who are like megaphones, they are always the first people to know what is going on in people’s lives. 8/10 times, they are updated about negative events in peoples lives. They announce  peoples bad experiences to everyone willing to listen. You wonder how they manage to know everyone’s business. “You know so and so’s parents did this…” , ” you know so and so is repeating”. Thanks for appointing yourself as CNN but no one asked you. I warn you against such people. If some one can share sensitive information about someone else to you, they can do the same about you behind your back. Don’t trust blindly!

Please comment and share your experiences with friends. Have you experienced any of the things I have mentioned above? Have I left out anything important? I am so eager to here back from you.

Until next time. Rafikis

 

 

African Queen

Hello Rafikis,

How are you guys doing?

I’d love to hear from you.  Let’s chat!

Please feel free to comment your thoughts below and if you are shy reach out to me personally. 

Have you ever experienced any of the things I share? Can you relate to my posts? Are you a photographer, designer or brand that is interested in working with someone like me? Please hit me up, my inbox has been very dry lately.

I don’t know about you but I’ve been so busy over the past month, but, you know what they say “if you work hard in your 20s you can rest in your 30s”.

DISCLAIMER

THIS POST MAY TRIGGER SOME BITTER REACTIONS.

Today I have to call out that Non- African who travels to a country side somewhere in ‘Africa’ once and then appoints themselves as the ambassador of Africa.   No one has asked you for your distasteful and backward comments.  Please stop speaking about Africa as if it is one big town 🙄

You cannot say you travelled to Africa if you are not an African! It is offensive (and no I am not being extra sensitive)

Name the country!

Africa is a continent with over 54 countries that are different. South Sudan is different from Sierra Leone, Kenya is different from Nigeria and Madagascar is different from Botswana. Even within the countries, the towns are different from the country sides.

Name the country or keep your mouth shut!

When you travel to Spain you do not say you’ve travelled to Europe! When you travel to India you do not say you’ve travelled to Asia. Do you? Style up!

Tafadhali, put some respect on  African countries.

End of Rant.


At this point you may be asking yourself, why then do I call myself an African  Queen? Well, as a non ignorant African woman when I speak of Africa , I speak of it in all it’s worth and glory. I speak of my mother land aware of the differences and similarities she bears. In calling myself a queen I am in no way demeaning or downplaying the richness of the mother land. I speak of it as a lover of the different cultures that bring my continent together as one. It has it’s challenges like any other continent ( Europe and Brexit (hides face) but I love it non the less.

Africa is the richest continent in the world both in terms of natural resources and culture. I digress.


Joining University abroad made me realize that I was black and African, prior to that I was just another African in a sea of Africans.

Particularly an incident in my first year at a social event (it may or may have not been a night out) provoked me to write this spoken word piece.

Falling in love with myself was something I had to do to save myself  because the world wasn’t showing me that love.

 

African Queen

I’m an African Girl and I know where I’m coming from and I know who I want to be.

I’m trying to defy everything they said of us, we who have chocolate skin.

African Girl-Naomi Wachira

 I am black, but comely like the woman in the Songs of Solomon.

When The Architect of life, molded me together,

He shaded me in with his fairest crayola,

You are pretty for a black girl!

His words pierced deep, but not deep enough to rip me off of dignity,

Pierced deep but not deep enough to dethrone me from my seat.


History takes me back

Look not upon me because I am black, because the sun has looked upon me,

Its rays have penetrated deep through my skin,

My melanin has reacted with H20 to release the richest chocolate paste,

Smothered in Shea butter, my skin glows better than  any high-end highlighter.

Like any element of weather,

my thighs are filled with thunder.

#Thick thighs save lives

The stripes on my skin represent my ability to overcome challenges!

And no I am not angry!  I am just unapologetically African and unafraid to speak my mind.


Just like a lion, my hair defies gravity,

My kinky mane refuses to be tamed; it is young, wild and loves to be free.

Each coil and curl represents how I overcome the adversity life throws my way,

My hair is my crown, it casts me out as royalty,

I must always keep my chin up, so as not to allow my crown to fall.


My body is a journey, with never-ending curves

Each twist and turn is a representation of all the challenges my ancestors overcame on my behalf.

It curves just right at each point to form the percent shape.

You inject yourself to look like me but only because I am trendy,

You want to love my culture but you refuse to love me too,

Even though imitation is the highest form of flattery,

Tomorrow you would have changed with the trends.

What happens to me when my culture stops being cool enough for you?

Is that the moment I will have to learn to love myself?

The blacker the berry ,the sweeter the juice,

The darker the skin, the deeper the roots.

I hope my little sister knows that she’s beautiful,

Black Queen she’s the color of oil,

I know the world has tried to taint her worth under the soil.

– Songa

 

African Queen by Kylie Ochuodho ft Anthony Wasonga , Naomi Wachira

 

10 lessons I’ve learned over the past year

Amosowu Rafikis!

I hope you’ve been keeping well. I also hope you enjoyed my previous post, if you have not had a look at it kindly do so here

https://wordpress.com/post/kylieachi.wordpress.com/3812

Today I thought I would share 10 lessons I’ve learned over the past 6 months. These are things I wish I knew and understood before starting Uni. 

 The truth is I was warned about some of these things but I failed to actually internalize their advise. Sometimes, we think that we are the exception but I guess that experience is the best teacher ….  Init.

  1. You are probably not going to find your husband in University. I mean you may and some people do but you should not dwell on it. We are often sold this fantasy of how our parents met in University and fell in love in second year, and all that jazz. Sorry to burst your bubble but that is not necessarily the norm. In fact I think I only know one person who is in a serious relationship with someone they met in our Uni.  Things are totally different now from the way they were during our parents time. The best thing to do is to remember the main reason you are in university ( which is to study I hope). Allow things to occur organically and never ever settle!

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2. Pulling is well present in today’s society! Being in my 20s it is the norm for my age group. It is not as extreme as it was potrayed to be on American TV shows but it’s real. In fact a majority of the time most people on a night out at Uni are on a mission to pull (if you do not know what pulling is just ignore it because you are probably too old or young to understand).

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3. You do not have to get sucked into the hype! It is possible to stay true to yourself and your morals. Believe it or not , two years into Uni, I have not tried any drugs or given into the pulling culture. I also like to believe that I’m still relatively cool and fun to hang around.

4. Money is just paper, there are days I have had it in plenty and other days I have lacked it. It comes and goes. Do not let it stress you. Aspire to be rich because money gives you a good quality life but do not break over it. It is not that deep! #Sponsorlifeisnotamust

5. Working is cool, my fellow East Africans are not really prone to working while studying. I understand that people’s parents aren’t sending them to uni abroad to toil but I think the joke is in on us. Everyone else is out here trying to make extra coins. People are out here working to travel, buy cars and even pay their own rent. At some point in life you need to be responsible for yourself. 

33FB1D96-325A-46FB-9C1A-8E2C95EB0C426.  You will lose friends and make new friends, some people come into your life for a season , for a reason and others for a life time. Treasure your friendships no matter how brief they may last. At the same time do not sweat burnt friendships.

7. Relationships are worth more than material things, spending time with your loved ones is so crucial. Value your relationships because at the end of the day family is all you have. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

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8. If you have good health ,you are wealthier than most people in the world. You always have something to be grateful for if you are healthy. Money cannot buy you good health.  So many people are laying in hospital beds praying for good health. So be grateful for it!

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9. Prayer! I cannot emphasize this enough. Whoever you believe in, seek Guidance and build a relationship with The Greater Being. Make that relationship intentional. On those days every thing seems completely off, turn to him. The calm will always come after the storm, the rainbow will form.

Sway Sway and Behdeuce put it best in Breadwinners

No matter the challenge, no matter what, we always deliver and never give up!
– Breadwinners

10. The Law of Attraction is a real thing! Manifest your wants and desires. If you haven’t read The Secret yet, I’d advise you to do so. Even if you do not fully understand it ,you deserve to reap it’s benefits.

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Location – Margate Beach

Top designed by – Lahanna Designs

Tilll next time Rafikis ❤️ 

Why I started my blog 

Hello Rafikis,
Recently an acquaintance asked me a very  interesting and thought-provoking question. I choose to call him an acquaintance because friend is a term I choose not to be thrown around lightly, no hard feelings.

He asked me why do you blog?

I have never really had to answer that question before out loud.

Do you know the feeling when you know an answer in your head? However, when someone asks you the same question you don’t have a straight answer for them? That’s the kind of predicament I was in.

Great men and women (do not ask me which ones) have been thought to believe that one’s intention is just as important as getting the thing done. That is why so many people spend most of their lives trying to find their purpose in life.


The two most important days in life are the day you are born and the day you find out why  -Mark Twain

I have always been a strong believer that passion leads to your purpose because when you love something you are more likely to give it your all.


I still haven’t gotten back to my acquaintance, not because I’m being rude but because I had to think deeply about my response.

Why do I write?

I have not always had a passion for writing or English language as a matter of fact I was never the strongest writer in high school.  I got a few poems published by the Young Writers magazine but almost every one in my class did. It was not such a big deal!

 

In 2014 I made the bold decision to start a blog. It has been such a daunting yet exciting experience, particularly because my blog is unorthodox. It is not based on fashion, travelling or commentary but rather it is based on my life story.  Any creative knows that putting your work out there makes you vulnerable because it opens you up to criticism.

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As a young girl I was a chatter box, confident, loud and proud. I enjoyed telling stories of my life to anyone who was willing to listen. Any one who knew me as a child can attest to that. I took every opportunity available to speak and perform for other people. My day ones know that I always played lead actress in school and church plays. Big Julite 2014!  Shout to Blaise, my favourite stage husband.


I loved attention.

Then I grew up … Heart break and insecurities crept in and I allowed the opinions of others to affect me. You know how the story goes …

With the fear of sounding dumb or not being enough I began to speak less and less.

I lost my voice!


I became very introverted (which I still am today to a great extent).

However I felt like I had a lot to say and so I began to blog. The blog for me was a major step in regaining my voice. Initially I intended to have a private blog but somehow things changed and here we are with a readership spread across over 72 different countries!

During my blogging journey I faced a major stumbling writers block, joining University in England greatly affected my blogging habits. I had less inspiration to write perhaps because of the change in environment. Two years in, life experiences and growth have led me back to this blog. I am back with a bang, bigger, better and definitely more mature.

In a nutshell, however much I write to entertain and inspire the reader .

This blog is for me! It is a platform for me to regain my voice. It is a platform for me to fall deeper in love with myself.

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You see I can only share my life with you truly if I love myself enough to believe that my story is worth sharing.
It is not all filled with glamour, in fact I can confidently say that transitioning into adulthood is daunting especially when you are a young black woman living in a foreign land.

None the less through words and photography I aspire to share my story with anyone who is willing to listen.

Through the process I hope that those who can identify with my version of events are inspired to speak their own truth loud and proud. I also hope that those who cannot identify with my story may learn of and from it.

 

I will share this post with my acquaintance, hopefully I have answered his question.

Till next time, Kwaheri!
Photography by the amazing Ajuma Abalaka

Instagram- AjayaBalaka

Check out her amazing film here too

 

MakeUp by Moono Shilimi

Location- Canterbury Castle, United Kingdom

I’M DONE …

Hello Rafikis,

I hope you have all been keeping well!  I have been busy over the past hence, the unfrequent posts. I am currently in a full time summer job and therefore I will be posting only once a week for the next few weeks. Ideally, a new post should be up every Wednesday at 19:00 UK time i.e. 21:00 Kenyan time.

Stay tuned! next week I have a very special post coming up. I recently got to work with undoubtably one of the best photgraphers in Canterbury and we shall be bringing you fire.

Today I thought I’d get personal with you and  share with you a letter that I wrote to myself. I think it’s very important for us to constantly communicate with ourselves as that is the only way we can truly build ourselves and progress in this life. ❤️

I’m done trying to pretend that I don’t care- Letters to Achi

I’m done trying to pretend that I don’t care about the good things in life.


I’m done trying to think like a man, in order to keep a man. I’m not a man and I do not need to understand man logic. It is enough for me to only understand the important men in my life who are all so individual and unique. I do not need to be a guru on men to survive this world. It is not war!

I’m done trying to hide my vulnerability, I often feel the pressure to shield myself from vulnerability and guard my heart so securely. But perhaps a little vulnerability isn’t such a bad thing. It’s not everyday we need to keep our guards up, some days we let others in.

I’m done trying to suppress my emotions, if something upsets me I’ll point it out, if it makes me happy I’ll communicate that too. I am done keeping quiet on things that matter to me.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly –  Desiderata

I’m done trying to pretend that I do not fancy a bouquet of red roses when in reality I do. I dream of recieving a bouquet of 30 red roses.

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I’m done pretending that I’m the kind of woman that doesn’t need to be paid attention to. In fact I love attention, please keep those compliments coming. Compliment my mind, my beauty and my ideas. Many are the times I brush off compliments because I do not believe in seeking validation from others. However, I believe it is an important skill to appreciate compliments.

I’m done fighting with and for my emotions, what’s meant to be will be whether or not you choose to fight for it or against it.  It is what it is! If someone is meant to be in your life, the universe will align it for you, if not perhaps there’s even better things out there for you.

I’m done trying so hard to make things work!

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass – Desidarata

I’m done trying to pretend that I do not have a lot of love to give.  “Hi, my name is Kylie and I’m a hopeless romantic”. “Hi Kylie” the class responded.

I’m done allowing negativity to stay in my life, be it negative people,negative jobs or negative vibes. I’m cutting it all off. If you don’t hear from me anymore no hard feelings, such is life.  Toxicity is infectious.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit – Desidarata

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I’m done settling for less than the best, I know my worth, I know what I deserve and I’m not willing to settle for less than that! Simple!
I’m done compromising my comfort for the convenience of others.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you deserve to be here – Desidarata

I’m done giving myself to people who do not deserve me. Have you ever gone out of your way to do things for people who could care less for you. Do you! Take care of you! People forget so fast the things you do for them. Do not expect them to do the same in return for you. Also do not kill yourself going out of your for people who are undeserving of your efforts.

I’m done dimming my shine  to help others shine brighter. To my squad you better excel because we must all make it to the top. I’ve come to learn, the brighter you shine the brighter you motivate those around you to shine.

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I’m done saying sorry unnecessarily. This is a bad habit I have developed apologising even when it is the other person who has wronged me. My dad shares with me about his time in England where a  gentleman was to apologise to a woman where she stepped on his foot while they are out dancing. I am not a gentleman and hence I shall cut off such behaviour, instead I will use the other magic words like pardon me.

I’m done responding to demeaning names, Kylo na toto ni wewe! Tony you have been warned. My name from birth given to me by my parents are Kylie Grace Achieng Ochuodho. All other pet names need to be approved.

I am done apologising for my existence. Take me as I am or not at all!

Unapologetically A  Black Queen.

Till next time!

The Big Chop

Hello Rafikis!

Today I would like to be vulnerable with you and share with you my insecurities. There’s something so attractive about vulnerability. I’d love me a man who could just lay on me and share with me his deepest fears! So attractive!

I digress!

Hair is a very important part of our lives. Some choose to get rid of it and others choose to grow it. Some of my good friends like to say that hair can take a girl from a 5 to 10 (not that I rate, rating women). But even in primary school I remember  that the girls with the longest hair were considered the most attractive.

Beautiful hair is typically honey blonde, straight, long with some beach girls. You know that kind of Goldilocks look. You will often be left for ‘Becky with the good hair’ not always but sometimes, if you know you know. Obviously, my hair is neither blonde, long or wavy and so I never thought of my hair as beautiful.

Growing up,  I would make a visit to the salon every two weeks in order to get my hair washed, blow-dryed and plaited ready for school. My go to hair style was ‘mlazo’ ,some ugly cornrows that had no design and emphasized the ‘kisogo’ back of your head. I loved it so much because it only take 15 mins to get them plaited, meaning my trips to the salon would be short. My sister and mum detested them with a passion and would complain every time I got them done.

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On  special occasions, I would spice things up and plait pussy cat, pineapple or half lines and half rastas. The best was during holidays when I got to wear Da brat with coloured rubber bands. Dont you just love the names of the hairstyles.

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Trips to the salon were horrific because of the pain. Hairdressers were not educated on how to deal with natural hair , they never wet or detangled the hair, they just combed it. The pain was so bad that I would feel it in my feet. I would cry as the salonist barbecued my hair with that red blow dryer every salon had. Whenever I complained about the pain the hairdressers would say “Urembo ni Uchungu” translating to Pretty Hurts”.  I often recieved a barber threat, if I did not stop crying, so eventually I learned to hold in the tears.

Black girls get their attitude from the pain they endure whilst getting their hair done as young girls.

On occasion, my aunty (mum’s younger sister) would plait our hair i.e. my cousins and I. We dreaded it so much that we would hide the combs just so that we did not have to endure her plaiting.  My mum however always come to the rescue as she somehow always carried an extra comb in her handbag and so we’d end up enduring the torture.

I remember begging my mum to get a relaxer, the first time she tricked me.  I went to the salon thinking I was getting a relaxer but turns out it was just a hair treatment. I remember going to school and bragging to other girls that I got a relaxer only for one girl to burst my bubble.

Fast forward to when I was much older I finally got a relaxer (chemical that straightens your hair) for easier maintenance and for a more ‘professional look’. I wore my hair relaxed up until Dec 2015. Over the winter break whilst back in Kenya I had my last relaxer. After I got it, I was filled with regret and made the decision to transition to natural hair.

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Initially I intend to transition for two years before the big chopped but then handling the two textures became unbearable ( tbh the relaxed ends at the back of my head fell off) .

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I made the decision to big chop on the 4th March 2017. A good friend on mine, who happens to also be natural chopped it off for me.

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” A woman who cuts her hair is about to change the world”.

Chopping off my hair was liberating but so scary at the same time!  I was scared that I would look like a young boy and so I wore hoops to look feminine.

I was afraid that the texture of my hair would not live up to society’s standards. I was scared that no one would want to hire me because of the way me hair looked. I was scared that people would look at me differently and treat me as exotic!

But thankfully, the number of black women that choose to wear their hair natural has massively increased making it more acceptable to wear hair out in an afro.

Cutting my hair  has been  a political statement for me, I understand that my hair was created to grow upwards , it was not intended to be straight. So every day, I fall deeper in love with my coils and curls. It has also been an educational experience for me as I have learned the correct way to handle my hair through friends and naturalistas on YouTube. Two years ago I said i’d never go natural but see God! I know proudly wear out my 4C hair.

 

Till next time,

Adios Rafikis.

Religion and Love ?

Happy Sunday folks, it’s still  a tad bit awkward to say that because I’m more accustomed to Happy Sabbath as all my life I’ve grown up in a Seventh Day Adventist home. SDA is a Christian denomination that believes in certain doctrines that make it unique to other churches mainly we believe the correct day of worship is Saturday. Anyway i’m a bit more open minded in regards to my beliefs so last Sunday I went into a different type of church. Sorry mum! It was totally impromptu, hides face*.

Disclaimer, i love my West African brothers and sisters, in fact some of my closest friends are from there, i thought i’d put that out there just to in case any one tries to accuse me of being xenophobic. I say i’m slightly weary of certain churches as some Nollywood films have painted a certain image of that doesn’t sit well with me. The idea of witchcraft is one that is foreign and unknown to me, so such movies would scare me and lead me to have nightmares for weeks.

‘The unfamiliar is always scary is to us, we have this fear of the unknown’

Also concepts such as praying in tongues and casting out demons are foreign to me as the SDA church is quite conservative in nature. The truth is we always have twisted beliefs of things we don’t quite understand. I remember when I was younger I used to be ashamed of being SDA as other children would mock me for going to church on Saturday. They never quite understood why I worshiped on a different day from them. However, the older I’ve become the more I’ve began to understand that religion is a person belief and journey, so the opinions of others don’t bother me anymore.

‘Do not judge a book by it’s cover’

As I was going into the church I expected it to be a traditional church , you know a mainstream church i.e. Anglican, Catholic etc. To my surprise it was an African church, with about four other people in it. It’s funny that ‘Christianity was brought to Africa by the missionaries from the west, but today it’s the African’s in the west that pray‘. The church was actually quite welcoming and  based it’s teachings on the Bible and sang mainly songs that I knew.Anyway I digress this post wasn’t even meant to be based on religion. I wanted to address matters of the heart. Lately, my personal life has been taking a slight twist and i’m becoming more conscious of certain situations.

Is there room for love in the 21st Century?

What is love? How can you tell that you’ve found the one? How should we incorporate GOD into our modern day relationships?   How do you ensure that you don’t bring in baggage from past relationships into a new relationship? What age is the right age to start dating? Should we set an age limit on the guys we see? Is it possible to find bae in University? It’s funny because when I was younger my relationships were amateur and lacked any long term agendas. But know ,here I am, hitting 20 getting into the adulting life, having to think about dating, yikes.

So many questions,  which I lack the answers to but seek to explore further in months to come.Stay tuned, one love.

Nyarkagan Achiele Kende.